I need a reset in the worst possible way with regards my relationship with God. It’s been marred so much by all of the lesser things my heart has taken hold of, predominantly overthinking all my relationships except for the one I have with Him. In a sad way, it’s like I take all the pieces of my shattered heart to all the people who I think can fix it, knowing full well that He alone can renew me, but I choose instead to avoid Him. But what this whole post really comes down to is girls, man. The girls are killing me. Something about college and the fact that it was a new beginning changed the shyness in me because, well, everyone was approachable. And this change ended up really hurting me a lot. The inexperience with emotional boundaries tore me a new hole in my heart, and it still lurks around the corner, waiting to put another dagger deep beyond my threshold of emotional pain. And it’s like with every new person I meet, the dagger just gets sharper and sharper as I begin to forget the hurt sustained in the past. Unintentional emotional masochism. That’s the mental disorder I deal with. It’s not just girls that suffer from the pressures of what they think guys think of them (I hope, because if it is just girls, then I’m just out of luck), but the same goes the other way, particularly for someone with suppressed self-esteem issues. The lack of confidence doesn’t come from a lack of ability; it comes from a lack of peace within me. And the underlying reason for that? A lack of confidence in my relationship with God that gives me peace. Somehow, because the message of “He will always love you, no matter how weak you are” has been said so many times, the dormant human ambition to attain ignites in unexpected directions, pushing me to try and be good enough for a girl that I’m interested in, throwing away any effort I put into my relationship with God. I’ve got issues that can pretty much be summed up as shooting up a heroine that depresses you, and then it makes your mind justify it as a good source of poetry. Again, what a stupid thing to think. This complex with needing to achieve for the sake of others turns my life into a quest to become someone I’m not, and not in the good sense.
But beyond all that, the realization always comes back to remind me that God’s really taught me a lot through all this. It’s not easy having to struggle with being who I am versus being who someone thinks I am so that they’ll like me more. That whole masquerade was for high school because I felt like there was nothing redeeming in me to be liked. Now that God is closer to being number one in my heart, there’s a subliminal, dogged pursuit of being who He wants me to be. And if I get hurt along the way, I should pay even closer attention to what God has to say instead of plugging my ears and drowning in tears. Besides, the fact that I’ve started opening up actually molds me closer to being a better instrument for God to spread His love. I’m not the greatest at initiating conversation, but at least now, I can actively participate in it. Coupled with constant prayer (in which I’ve also been faltering, for now), the opportunities to share God become closer and closer to limitless. Now that I think about it, I don’t need a reset at all. I just want one. But the experiences that God has brought me through will get me way closer to His will than starting from page one. And that’s why God is writing my story, He knows how it’ll all turn out; I’m just this guy, living it out and giving voice-overs. At the end of the day, God is good. It’s hard to say that sometimes because so many prayers about girls went so…differently. If I can remove my own bias, they turned out better than I thought, just not the way that I thought they would turn out. I don’t know, I hope I’m not the only one with these problems, but if I am so be it. I bare my heart only to let other believers (and non-believers) peer into it, and see the darkness, but hopefully see Christ in it as well, illuminating it piece by piece.