What Falconer?

“The falcon cannot hear the falconer.”

That’s exactly how I feel at this very moment, sitting before this computer where my thoughts are most swirled and nebulous, wanting to be grasped at, but slipping through the mind’s tendrils time after time.  As the falcon flies away, further and further from the falconer, the sound of the falconer becomes but a dim, nearly muted whisper in the tempestuous wind.  The most I can say is that I’m fighting a losing battle for a promise that I made with God.  I thought my last experience was enough of a reminder as to how devastating it can be to render myself vulnerable before someone other than God.  And yet, as a mother forgets the pain of childbirth and proceeds to bear more children, so I continue to create unfortunate offspring for myself within the chambers of my heart. I wanted nothing more than to wholeheartedly serve God, but by His design, He has shown me what a futile undertaking it is if willed by my own determination.  If He, who has PREdetermined the times for things to occur and the places where they should occur, of what use if my own determination, which clearly falls afterwards chronologically?  No matter how bitter I’ve made myself out to be, no matter how empty I feel afterwards, it seems like I can’t shake the fact that a hopeless romantic dwells in me. It’s almost a kind of emotional masochism, as I derive an obscene pleasure from failing in my pursuits; the only justification I can give, and have ever given, is that “it makes for good poetry.” What a depressingly absurd reason to cyclically plunge in headfirst into the latest romantic journey and find myself writing a conscious submission of a clearly foreseen shipwreck.

The hole that I have at present yearns to be filled, but it makes me feel so sick sometimes that all I can do is brood on the past and sigh seemingly more times than I draw breath.  God knows the supply that I need to fill the hole, but He also knows what I truly still desire in my heart, what I haven’t let go of.  It’s incredible how devoted I can be to things other than God when I have the head knowledge that He is Lord over all, capable of doing anything to His glory; it’s the good old blind loyalty problem.  If only I had given that loyalty first to God and to His creation afterwards, then perhaps I wouldn’t be so caught up with the people of this world, but by the person of Himself.  Sometimes,  I question how just it is that something I put so much time into could turn out so…unpleasantly surprising.  But then He is faithful to remind me of His will, and how He will do all things to His glory.  It doesn’t really comfort me right now knowing that because I still long for something else, but He has assured me that upon swallowing my indignation with my situation, He will provide abundantly more than I would ever have imagined.  It’s just about remembering His promises and applying them to how I live, living in faith and not in expectation.

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