I Understand.

There are so many things in life that just make no sense; above all of these are the intangibles that happen.  Sometimes, I just want to let go of everything and just let the colorful language flow forth from the fountain of freestyled furor.  But then again, what’s the point?  Life’s too short to let these minor things affect me; why focus on things of the past and let them tarnish the present?  I feel like sometimes I just make it so easy to fall into the inner rage and criticism that existed before, and totally forget about showing the grace that I should be trying my best to show.  It’s so easy for us to dive into the depth of how we have been wronged and just take for granted how much we actually have received.  We don’t realize what we have until it’s too late, but why?  A Family Guy episode I watched recently actually got me thinking – it was a scene where Peter reminisces on a time where he turned down one million dollars to take Lois’s hand in marriage, and then it fast forwards to his present self reflecting on how much he would have given up for Lois back in the day.  It got me thinking, how many people are there in our own lives that we haven’t treated the same as we have from before?

Another thing that was surprising for me to learn was that when one of my predictions came true, I actually didn’t feel as bad about it as before.  I think I just resigned to the fact that life just proceeds this way.  It wasn’t that I expected something different to happen, but I feel like saying otherwise was a way for me to escape from the preconceived conclusions that festered in my mind – it was as if saying so made things alright, trying to muster up the last vestiges of hope within the capacity of my being.  But it happened, and I didn’t lose control.  God just has a weird way of doing things, I guess.  I wanted to do nothing more than be upset, but I completely lacked the conviction to be infuriated because I do believe that in some way, God has changed the way that I see things.  In my eyes, what’s happened has happened; arguing about things isn’t going to fix anything.  Move on with it, get hurt, rinse, repeat.  It sounds like a terribly depressing matter, but the blow is always softened by relying on God.  If I feel kind of distant from things, it might be the suppression of that aforementioned rage seeping to the surface in a kind of deterring mechanism that isn’t working.  Or it could be that I’m tired.  Either way, I’m just going to keep praying and holding onto things that actually matter in life.

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